Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
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[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Hey Fugeddaboutit
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.