I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
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My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
then why did i get this email
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell