I’m not lazy
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Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.