[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
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NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
nobody’s gonna understand
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants