[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
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Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Hank is one in a melon.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity