When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
You Might Also Like
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Actually cracking up @ this
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.