[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
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“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I can’t be the only one 😂
Got ya covered
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.