I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
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Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!