The best plant holders?
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Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?