A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
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I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Boom, boom, ching!
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.