I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
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My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.