Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
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Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Simple
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Omg 🤣
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
🤣😂🤣
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.