*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
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A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
🤣could you imagine
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.