ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
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Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.