“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
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*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Fluff me with a fork baby
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I’m sure it’s fine.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
[shakes fist at other fist]
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.