Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
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What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.