Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
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*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
it was a valiant fight
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
what?
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.