*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
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Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.