mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
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I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Pretty certain I can more drunk
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.