god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
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Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice