Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
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I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.