I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
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Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.