Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
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i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Good Morning.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME