I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
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Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Worst bar ever.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,