I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
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Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Godspeed, John Glenn
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
The French word for sex is croissant.