*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
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The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Yup.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.