If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
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I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I identify as an antique shop.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Me My dog
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Confused owl: What?!
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.