Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
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Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.