This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
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I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.