Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
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After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.