“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
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it’s either covid or clever vampires
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this