I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
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BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …