Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
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ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after