Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
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A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
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I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*