My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
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so i’m at the stock market right
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
when there are deer in the woods
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
sigh
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*