me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
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Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.