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Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
i want the dreams to chase me for once
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…