police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
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I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*