People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
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*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.