wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
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*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
a lot to unpack here
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?