Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
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him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling