No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
You Might Also Like
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?