Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
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Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)