My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
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Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.