one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
You Might Also Like
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Still a very good boi….
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Me: how are you
Friday: good
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.