The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
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My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”