I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
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A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”