I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
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Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away