Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
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Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?