It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
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The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
This is painfully accurate 😅
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.